Just so awful.

Oh, Gabrielle Giffords.

The bad all comes out now, a day and some later, awful. Why is this so awful? Hundreds of thousands are dead, and this is so awful.

Everything changes again, turns bad. She is a storm: a woman, a Jew, a democrat. How could she live and work ? Her brain is shattered. I'm so sad and going through the motions again, and thinking about her brain and my brain.

Heard the old "What's that sound? Everybody look what's going on" song and went back to the King and Kennedy year, and remembering that I knew just then that we were always going to lose. No more thinking it might work out, knowing we were always going to lose and that it was over and just go home.

2008. 40 years. Watching Grant Park, and sort of bobbing the head up and down and sideways and crying and thinking maybe it's not so bad, and maybe it payed off. Forgot for a few minutes.

1991, standing on the Common with signs on Sunday mornings, the kids 9 and 7, counting the cars that went by and keeping track of who beeped and cheered and who yelled "Commie" out the car window and who gave us the finger. Saying what the finger meant and saying what "Commie" meant.

The signs are in the garage, and one says "Persian cats for peace". I knew in 1991 that we were going through the motions, but the rage again, and that time scared that it was so easy for them and would go on forever.

Went to Dunkin Donuts one of those Sunday mornings for food; we were the olds, we could feed the youngs. Waiting in line, and two old guys sitting at the counter, and one says "It's all the damn niggers fault", and the other says "Yeah, it's all the niggers fault", and just hearing it, and knowing that it would be a hundred years more.

Then Grant Park, sort of surprised, wondering what was coming, and thinking it was going to go bad and then seeing it go bad and not knowing how bad it would be.

And now this, and it's all so sad, and more going through the motions, and maybe how sad will count this time. Her brain is exploded and it always will be, and most of the time I only think what will happen to all of us and my own brain.