Dead people

The Giffords episode was just so painful to me. Giffords had stayed faithful to herself and her supporters while politically surrounded by screaming, raging, sexually-charged mobs. No wonder she was so despised, and no wonder she was a target. A Democrat and a Jew and a woman in the most reactionary state. And so on. Surprising that she lasted as long as she did.

And now we go back to ground we know so well.

I've seen folks who had terrible brain injuries. They are recognizably themselves, with their old speech tics, hand motions, gait, and so on. And so it is with the degenerative diseases, the Alzheimer's, the "wet brain", the Parkinson's, the other dementias. The strokes.

Gaby Giffords isn't a regular adult, and won't ever be. No more "heroic" recovery, no more "She's a fighter!". After a while, with a lot of treatment, she will regain some language. She will look the same as before, and maybe  walk the same, and probably gesture the same.

So, what of me? Well, tricky stuff. Some of the changes I've gone through have been mild, some drastic. I can't tell what is TLE and what is aging and what is a combination. There will be another neuropsych coming in a month or so, and my best guess is that there will be some pretty drastic changes in cognitive stuff. I know that there are technical things I can't grasp now. I repeat stories and perceptions -- horribly embarrassing. And so on.  Just aging?

I've completely changed diet, music, wardrobe, fitness, sleep habits, work habits. My emotions are labile and exaggerated. A streak of rage has emerged, and has scared folks. Hell, it's scared me. I've become interested in narratives of torture and pain, and unable to tolerate narratives of loss and recovery. Redemption and triumph hold great interest. Probably not just aging.

In a small group today, I told a story that I've told three times before. I've begged the group to tell me when I repeat, and I know they won't. They will humor me. They will pretend that I'm telling them something they haven't heard before.

Now the ugly part. I kind of want them to pretend. I may say "Tell me when I repeat", and know I repeat, and yet I really don't want to be told how defective I am.

This is all very confusing. The Giffords thing is confusing too. I'm sure folks tell her that she has made a stunning recovery, and will be back to here normal self. No, no, no.  What does she think?  Does she ruminate about what she has lost?

One little nubbin that I forgot to mention:  showers.  When I take a shower, I can't turn while I'm in the water.  To wash the other side, I need to back out of the water, turn, then step back in. Sort of makes sense.

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Since I originally wrote this entry, I have had another neuropsych eval, with surprising results!!!  I'm better!!!  Looks like anxiety mangled my performance the first time.  Forgot that anxiety and fear make you stupid.